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Is There A Right Way To Die?

November 25, 2017

I don't think there is a right choice to make or right way to live when you have something like cancer. Every single thing you do is trial and error. Even the the so called 'treatments' they give us, before they do they say this only has this percentage chance of working. Usually it is under 50% and still approved to be a successful treatment for some reason. Anyways nobody is the same and the same thing doesn't work for everybody. I have tried all the treatments they have offered me and some worked for the time being and then stopped and some of them made it even worse and I thought that was it for me finally. Luckily I don't know how to give up. They keep telling me I only have months to live and I have made it years past what they predicted no having a clue what has been working and what has not. And since they won't give us the cure there is no exact answer for anyone. The system spends billions of dollars every year just experimenting with treatments not making actual cures. People need to open their eyes and see that they don't want us cured they want us tested. why are they coming up with more treatments and saying we are helping people but more people are sick today than ever before. The treatments are whats killing us. So I avoid them at all costs. Everything is made from their poisons. So what do you do when you have to do it all yourself? You believe like it is a dream you are meant to live and you try anything and everything that makes you happy until you die. Or do you try to live long but give up things you love knowing that it might not even work for you? But on the other hand maybe it will give me a little more time at life with my wife and family. I want to just say say fuck it and do whatever I want and see how long I can live on jus happiness. Even if that could be tomorrow? There is no avoiding my fate that's why it's so hard to choose. And don't anyone dare tell me I can have both unless you have had cancer and had both, I tried. I have no doubt that with dedication and time I would get used to a brand new life style that would probably end up curing me in the future but would I be happy making that transition and would I be happy living in it? looking around at everything I gave up just for a maybe chance at a few more months or years. I don't want to live with any maybes. I want to try everything and explore new places with my wife. I don't want her left behind with no memories of us having an amazing time somewhere stuffing our face with a fat new burger we have never tried before because I'm scared that it might hurt me even though I know eventually it will kill me anyway. The chance is just not worth it for me. I would rather see us smiling together then stressing out trying to figure out a way to give me another week. I want to live a long life don't get me wrong here I love life and living I just want to live though. There is so much to do and I don't want to leave anything behind except good memories and success. But at the same time it scares me half to death thinking about leaving my wife and family behind because I know their choice is definitely not the same as mine. I know they want me to live a long healthy life and they keep coming to me with new things to try and I love it and I try to meet in the middle with just cheat days here and their because I do want to be there but I know they understand. What really makes this hard though is my wife. What is she going to do when I am gone? That is a strong woman and I know she will make it so even in this choice I am making I am making it hoping I can live long enough to have something for her when I die so I have been hard at work everyday trying to build a business she can be proud of. All i want at the end of the day is for her to be proud of me and have something she can remember me with that will take care and provide for her like I am still here. The scariest thing is not the cancer, it is the thought of her  being disappointed in me. It is so hard to feel so weak when I have been so strong my entire life. I have never wanted to give up or quit that never existed and still does not. But with cancer there are still limitations you can do no matter how strong you think you are. I try to look and act strong still and push myself past the limits I know I should just to look stronger for her. I hate feeling weak, like I can't protect the woman I love. No matter what I would still get up and fight for her but knowing that I can not provide or protect my wife is the worst feeling I have ever felt in my life. I have never not been able to be the man. Now cancer is stripping everything from me slowly, taking all my passions. I can not even work out anymore in fear that if I tear something I could bleed to death. Or that my blood count is so low that working our would literally be a waste of time because I would not grow any muscle because my body can not recover like it used to. I am in a dam wheelchair now barely able to walk. I will always fight for her though no matter what and at the end of the day all I want is for her not to judge me and she doesn't and I love her for it no matter how weak I feel. So I will live life as long as I can and be happy and I hope everyone can understand the choice I am making even if you do not agree with it at least understand. I am not giving up I am just trying to be happy with no what ifs or I wish I would have done this instead of thinking it could hurt me think how fun it would be to try. We will all die eventually, I just know what will kill me eventually  so I want to be ready when it does.

 

Originally published by Zakary, June 13th, 2017

 

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